I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
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The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
I just checked Web MD and I have everything
Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
me:
Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.
ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.