ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
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Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.
*adds humanitarian to resume
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.
Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?