Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
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Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this
Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*
The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!
That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
volunteer in charge: we are gonna walk around and search for clues about the missing girl.
guy who just bought a new fly fishing rod: we should check the lake first
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.