Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
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7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
Me: WHAT?
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?
Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
This came to me in a dream.
*weighs self after shaving
Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?
me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.
The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years