cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot
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my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”
Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.
Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.
Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?
Me: What?
Brain: Eat brownies about it.
Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.