Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
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I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.
Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”
Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW
Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.