them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
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its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
This is sending me to another galaxy
mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween
him: I’m gonna kill you
me: oh no
him: with kindness
me: awww
him: kindness is my pet wolf
me: oh no again
alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first
I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.*12 hours later*
GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.
One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.