You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
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Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
Stop.
Using “Hello” as a greeting
– boring
– uninspired
– predictableUsing “Hiya” as a greeting
– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
real
TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?
“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years
My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.