I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
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{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.
Ex: Please die 😉
An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
Me: No
CP: U have to
Me: Nope
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
Me: No
CP: Then sign it
Me: No
CP: SIGN IT!
Me: I’M NOT TOUCHING THAT SCREEN
CP: Then I can’t give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
Me: No
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning
amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?