5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
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[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
[armed robbery]
gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops
me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards
robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*
*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.
the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly eggrolls.
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.