Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
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Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!
AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!
WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**
One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?
The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.
#gardening
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
[Lab]
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award
Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.