To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
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Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup
Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.
Humans in sci-fi: Stupid artificial beings LOL. They don’t have FEELINGS, so you can treat them like SHIT
Humans in real life: I put googly eyes on my toaster. His name is James now, and I will protect him with my LIFE
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.
Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.
wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it