i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more
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Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b
7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
Support your local cemetery
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby
cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.
There is wisdom there.
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?