The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
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when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag
Sign at work today
Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’
Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)
wife: what are you doing?
brain: lie.
me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent
“Red Hot Riding Hood” (1943)
A sequence so famous (or infamous, if you’re the censors) that it’s been replicated, homaged or outright ripped off in countless pieces of animation. The reaction shots of the Wolf are still as funny as they were 80 years ago.
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.