My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
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Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 yearsAngel: horses?
God: 20Angel: cats?
God: 15Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTYAngel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about fliesAngel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol
If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:
Sup
Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?
My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorryCanadian boxing
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”