My husband handed my son an orange to take to school.
Me: “He’s not going to eat that.”
My son reached in his bag and pulled out yesterday’s orange. … and then pulled out Tuesday’s orange as well.
Resolution: He returned two previous oranges and brought the new one. 🤷🏼♀️
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my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats
based al yankovic
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that’s fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.
“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.
hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
Knock Knock