i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
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When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
Wife: Have you considered therapy?
Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career
Wife: *stabs me
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
I need a chiropractor for my brain.
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”