I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
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When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]
*breaks wind*
Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
[staring up at the sky]
ME: what does that cloud look like to you?
11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category
ME: well I see a corn dog
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles