It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
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One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
🤣
This might be me.
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very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
mom gave me mine for free
ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
Love this one 😂🧟
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!
Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
no one likes gloating
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT
My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer