The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
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*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?
[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!