Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
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Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
meanwhile over on facebook
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.