Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
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[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me
“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire
[marketing meeting]
me: what campaign are we working on today?
boss: spaghetti-o’s
me: uh oh
boss: say that again
Dear diary,
Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 🙂
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*
*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually
I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.