“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
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Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers
Doctor: You mean selfish?
[30 crabs come out of my pants]
Doctor: Haha here’s some cream
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.
lorebombing is when you make a new friend in your thirties and you have to catch each other up
I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
“Red Hot Riding Hood” (1943)
A sequence so famous (or infamous, if you’re the censors) that it’s been replicated, homaged or outright ripped off in countless pieces of animation. The reaction shots of the Wolf are still as funny as they were 80 years ago.
CSI: North Pole
Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.
Chief: Did you find hoof prints?
Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
Before you unsubscribe from our emails, would you mind taking a moment to fill out a short, 200 question survey about why you are unsubscribing?
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.
Me: I am mad.
DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.
Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.
Squirrels before girls.
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”