Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences
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I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:
Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
I’M CRYINGGG
I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 😭
Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: that’s fair.
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
School be like
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what