That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
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Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?
I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.
[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]
Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*
“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear