Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack
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I drew y’all a little something.
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.
I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations
B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhristA.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.
“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”
Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.
🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
bad
worse
worst
worchester
STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!
I said STOP RUNNING!
STOP RUNN..
YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.