I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”
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Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal
That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.
When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl
Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?
CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me
What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall
[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand
DATE: ??
ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor
drew a comic about my origin story
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.