Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
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(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.
Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
[coming back into house from grocery store]
Me: thanks for coming with me!
7: I didn’t really have a choice.
Me: but it was nice, right?
5: we can’t stay home alone.
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
We are the people our parents warned us about.
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.