The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
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Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park
FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.
My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.
Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?
Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
When you kidnap a writer.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
Midwest trash talk
Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?
Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”