[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing
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Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*
Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile
8: what did he do?
Ex: what do you think he did?
8: he drove while drinking
Ex: yes
8: AGAIN?!
I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.
If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember
“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies