just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
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[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”
Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted
Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
*calls into work*
“yo boss i’m real sick”
“you don’t sound sick…”
“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”
“wow u do sound hella sick”
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.
Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that
We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.