showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
You Might Also Like
Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?
[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]
Black cat: You got me boss
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring
King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]
Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?
Wife: what?
Me, louder: I’m going to the bank
Wife: what?
Me: I’M LEAVING YOU
Wife: ok
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*