Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
You Might Also Like
Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”
Me, the invisible duster: ok
“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.