A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
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Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
Me: how are you
Friday: good
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
happy friday
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
How is it still this week?
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
Ways to get ants out of your house:
1) Ant traps
2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow
3) Set house on fire
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher
Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.
[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.