Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
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My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
I know this now 😂
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
[Watching an educational show]
[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]
Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.
[5 minutes later]
3: Why doesn’t he hop?
Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.
It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy
So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”
The photographer’s assistant