LOIS LANE: let’s watch the super bowl
CLARK KENT: ok *takes glasses off regular bowl*
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A remake of The Notebook called The iPad
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach“Your rescue request is very important to us…”
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power
Kid: my dad?
Priest: haha no, even more powerful
Kid *nodding* mom
Me: How was your first day of school?
5-year-old: Long.
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this
waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?
DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party
My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere
A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.
I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….
*checks notes*
…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?