The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.
In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything
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I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
[dinner party]
*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*
Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.
Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday
[trying to impress a girl]
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.
Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.
Daughter:
Me: [turns off light] goodnight.
The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
waiter: our special is only $7.99
mechanic: i’m a mechanic.
[seconds later]
waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.
mechanic: that’s too much.
waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.
I met a guy who wanted to work on some songs with me. I went to his house and he asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said sure and he handed me a whole bottle and grabbed a bottle for himself. We never got to those songs but we did get arrested.
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot