The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
You Might Also Like
dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!
Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.
Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!
Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…
ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
Me: it’s not illegal
Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.
Me: but it’s not illegal
Cop: no, no it’s not
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.
I might have repeated it.
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
Instant pancake mix box: just add water
Me: sounds easy
Oh no, too thick [adds more water]
Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
can you read it!!??
maan!
Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.