I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.
Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:
HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK
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“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.
My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.
God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.
After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]
I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I think it’s the vodka
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.
Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.