If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
You Might Also Like
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
Every photo I’m tagged in
I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter
[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’
I have obtained a hat
I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”
DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder
Hobbes: getting a second opinion?
Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it
Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together
Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.