If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
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Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
[at White Castle]
clerk: can I get your name
me: Carly
clerk: Carla?
me: Carly
clerk: Carleen?
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!
New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?
Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔
why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?
Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno