People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
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(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
In hell, every bite of steak tastes like kale.
5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority
I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
Ok but actually
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.
Never be a pizza!
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.
Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down
Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.