Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
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Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
me: okay, thank you!
boss: thank you more!
me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.
boss: what
me: what
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
Twitter is the new flypaper.
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.
Really bad spell of wether.
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?
me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!
JW: excuse me?
me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!
“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod