If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
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Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now
Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!
Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!
Cowboy: I uh
Spider-Man: Go on!
Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere
My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.
If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?
PLAYER: 2020.
COACH: Correct. Who is the president?
PLAYER: I don’t know.
COACH: Also correct.
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?