who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
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A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough
My biological clock is wheezing.
If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!
You know I’m something of a chef myself
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff
Me: But you don’t have any more money
4: That’s okay, we can use your money
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?
Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….