This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
You Might Also Like
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?
(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
back to work
only 11 steps left
look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence