friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out
me: [turning around] who
Medusa: hey
friend: I said don’t look
statue:
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When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
My wife is just 3 days younger than me…
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.
Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems
Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
Custom Auto Painting
Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?Me: You sell spaghetti.
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir