Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
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Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma
Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!
“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”
i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.
Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool
Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds
Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho
Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers
Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-
Scientist: They wore socks with sandals
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive
Every time my phone rings
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
me before I type out affect or effect
December birthdays be like…
#milo
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
*scroll*
*scroll*
*scroll*
[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
*scroll*
*scroll*
*scroll*
Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other
*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i’m married
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
IT: You deleted the OS?
Me: I think so.
IT: It didn’t warn you?
Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
[movie trailer]
IN A WORLD OF ANIMAL NOISES
*distant oinks and moo’s*
ONE OLD MAN KNEW THEM ALL
*dramatic music*
BUT BEFORE HE WAS A MAN
*slow piano music*
BEFORE HE HAD A FARM
*flying shot of rolling hills*
HE WAS…
*extreme close up*
YOUNG MACDONALD
[coming soon]
My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.
I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.