Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
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A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Writer: No.
Disney: Just her mom?
Writer: No.
Disney: Her dad?
Writer: No.
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.
DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule