Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
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KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”
I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
You learn something every day
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go